Things and PS Pinot Noir

I love my new shift. I actually have time to have a social life. A lot of the time I choose not to participate but it sure is nice to have the ability to do something if I wanna. Smiles.

Chloe is getting on well with Kara and Yoshi. They all cuddle. It's ridiculously adorable. I couldn't have gotten a better addition to the household. I didn't exactly want/need another animal but I'm happy Chloe is here.

Yoshi got sick a couple weeks ago. It was super scary because the vet thought he might have Leukemia (which would mean a short life-span and that my other cats would have it, too). I spent fifteen minutes holding my limp cat in the waiting room, him cuddling in my arms. I was crying the whole time I waited. He and Kara are my best friends. Without them, I dunno where I would be right now. It sounds stupid; but I digress...

Boy was that an expensive vet bill. I don't know how I'm able to handle everything by myself, honestly. I think the universe is treating me very well and I am very lucky to have what I do.

Hrm. Positive stuff. Uhm. My dogs are absolutely huuuuge. They grew again. It was completely random and I'm not exactly sure when it happened but I just so happened to notice the other day. Lycan is a big ol' fucking thing and Leeloo got taller. Crazy. Leeloo is also turning the water on outside, again. I caught her doing it just a minute ago. Smart fucking dog. My utility bill is suffering and she is wasting water. But, at the same time, I'm kind of proud of her for being so resourceful. It's sometimes so fucking cold outside that I don't give them water like I should and she sorta solved my problem. lol

My hair is finally growing out. Yea! Yoshi scratched up my stomach super bad the other day, though. I was giving him his medicine and he got me with his back feet. It looks like I had my appendix taken out or something. There's this huge scratch right through the tattoo on my stomach. Ouchie.

I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" and I absolutely love love love it. It's beautiful.

I don't know what else to say so Ima go read some more of my book and drink a lil more wine until I pass out (which will prolly be very soon).

Insight

All of a sudden, you're everywhere. The universe keeps leaving little hints that you're missing from my world and that you were even in it. For so long, I started to forget you existed. And now, you're everywhere. I can't say that I miss you, really. But these reminders of you are trying to make me miss you. I'm afraid that it's starting to wear me down. I don't know how much longer I can hold it off. I wouldn't be able to go through it all, again. It took me a couple of months to scab over and I'm trying not to pick at it. The love I had for you was a love I won't share again for a long time. I've built this wall of protection in my desperate months of healing. You took part of me with you when you left the way you did. You stole that innocent part of me that had the capacity to be romantic and playful and soft. This time next year I imagine I will have gotten that part of me back; but these constant reminders are slowing down the healing process. If I'm being true to myself, if you realized your mistake and regretted leaving and somehow grew the courage to contact me with this regret, I think it would make an amazing relationship. I have come to learn what I need to do differently in any relationship I have. Things probably aren't that simple, though. So, I will continue moving on and ignoring these reminders until I get back to the place I was at, where you never existed. Right now, I'm vulnerable again for the first time in months. Maybe, the things I lost are coming back to me. I need to take a different road so I don't miss out on getting them back.

on 2009 and general whatnots

I'm ready for this week to be over. I start my new schedule next week and I could not be more excited. I hope I'm able to get there on time every day. Oh, and by the way. Why the fuck is Thanksgiving this week? How did that fucking happen? I'm still not sure. Oh well, what are ya gonna do.

I just now finally took down my Halloween decor. I took it down on Monday. I guess I'll put up the tree on Friday. Or, maybe I won't. I have three cats. One of them is a new kitten. That has got to be a recipe for disaster. Well, I gotta have a tree, though. I'll be ready for these holidays to pass and for it to be 2010. I really hated 2009. I have never hated a year more than I have hated this one. I'll be happy to start a new year and put this one behind me. More on this later.

In other news, I went to see "New Moon" on Monday night. I drank half a bottle of moscato and went to see it at 10 pm. It was amazing. I left the theater wanting to have sex with everyone I saw and wanting even more to be a werewolf to kill them afterward.

I've got the lights off and I'm listening to Massive Attack. It's all trippy and there is pinot involved. There is a slight chance I drink too much wine. But who fucking cares.

So my grandfather died this year. He was a really mean man but that doesn't mean that my dad/grandma aren't messed up about it. I'm sure losing a parent, even a horrid one, isn't easy. The funeral was quite odd. I haven't really talked to anyone about it as I feel sorta weird about the whole thing. It's the one funeral I've ever been to where I didn't cry or feel sad. The last time I saw him was like two years ago on Father's Day. I had brought my guitar to play it for he and my father. He told me to pawn it and a get a better one. ...

I went to the visitation to be there for my father. I'm the only one who is ever really there for my dad and/or really cares about him, despite him sometimes being shitty. It was my intent to avoid the casket but I, of course, ended up with a front-row-center seat right in front of his dead body for two hours. I stayed the whole time because my father did. Afterward, I took my mother and sister to eat at Ruby Tuesday.

I cannot afford to eat out but I am not in debt as they are, so guess who the lucky person was to get to pay? ... Yep. Me. Whatever. It's not like I needed that fourty bucks for anything. ...Mortgage, new kitten, dogfood, catfood, food for me, car payment, utilities, cable, gas, trash, litter, trash-bags, etc etc etc etc a;kljdf;akjdwqiur0oiuen. Anyway, I don't think my sister ever thanked me. My mom just ordered soup, she felt horrible she couldn't pay for it.

My mom has gotten herself into a totally horrible mess. She came to me at the hardest point in my life for help and it has been the absolute roller coaster ride from hell this year. Not just this but with everything. There is a reason I have become a wino. haha, ahhh god. Anyhoo, I have helped her as much as humanly possible, and then some. I loaned her four hundred something to get her out of her mess and worked twelve hour days for more days than I care to admit but by holy fuck I was able to pay my bills somehow and comfortably survive. (I miight have run my car into my garage but, by holy hell, I am here.) I fear there's more to come as I suspect my dad is working toward divorcing my mother. One bridge at a time, though. One bridge at a time. Cheers! gulp. gulp.

I drove up to Columbia last weekend to catch up with Daniel. There was a party at The Pink, as he calls it, and I met a few people. We passed around a couple and I drank a lot of cheaply named beer. I sat between a guy named Scott and Ryan, one fat and one not. Scott: skinny with a neat hat. They both wanted my number. Scott got it as Ryan was fat and no thanks. Fuck fucking fat fucking people. I ended up driving back home without sleeping, in a severe downpour, and came home for my horrid haircut by Ben (which I shaved one evening, as previously mentioned). This has been a severely retarded year, as I said before:

So far in 2009,
*bought a house
*got laid-off
*got engaged
*got disengaged
*acquired a full house payment and full responsibility thereof
*became addicted to wine
*learned how to ride a motorcycle
*bought an accordion
*bought a 55 gallon aquarium
*bought a queen bed and accessories
*got a cat
*my grandfather died
*shaved my head
Numbers:
*dates: 7
*people made out with: 4
*churches attended: 1
*concerts performed: 2
*jobs held: 1
*bike rides: 4
*hands held: 2
*major secrets told: 2
*major lies told: 3
*trips taken: 3
*new addictions: 5
*longest sleep: 18 hours
*new people met: 6
*fish killed: 3, 4? / 2 snails, and a handful of crabs
*people threatened: 5
*major realizations about myself: 3

I have decided already that I get to finish out this year with who I have always been and when it turns 2010 I leave that person behind forever. I have made a list of things I will be and of things I will not. Those will be implemented when it strikes 2010. Some are here:

*I will be traveling with every drop of my time off
*I will be working toward a promotion
*I will do what makes me happy, irregardless of what others think about those things
*(I have already done this and will continue to do so) I will cut all ties with anyone who is merely an acquaintance. I only need friends in my life. I don't need hangers-on.
*I will cook all of my meals
*I will make more Beatman videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/MarkBeatman
*I will get caught up on Harry Potter and The Inheritance Trilogy
*I will read. Period.
*I will cancel my subscription to Entertainment
*I will take a trip with a stranger
*I will go to a movie every Friday, if I can afford it
*(I have already done this and will continue to do so) I will eat all leftovers
*I will sign-up for classes for something new
*I will only hang out with people who ask me to do things with them
*I will get up early on my days off
*I will kiss more and think less
*I will get my eyes checked
*I won't be so nit-picky
*I won't get any more animals
*I won't get behind on any payments
*I won't let anyone move in with me
*I won't do anything I don't want to do
*I will stop thinking mid-twenties is old
*I will stop thinking about the past and only look forward
*I will start working out every day
*I will grow my hair out


I will add to this list as things pop up. I'm going to make a huge poster of them and frame it on my wall.

Goats

These Times They Are A'Changin'

I finally got a new schedule. I beat the hell out of everyone and got my top pick. So, new days off: Saturday and Sunday. I'm gonna be a normal person again! No more being a ghost in this world! It's going to be weird, coming back into reality again. Right now I'm literally this shadow that lurks around by itself. I don't even feel like I am seen at work. It's going to be weird, being in the light again. It's going to be like a culture shock for me and my sleep schedule has to totally reverse itself. I hope this all goes well and I am also hoping my new coach turns out alright. I have my old senior, so I'm super excited about that. :D Yip, yip, yip, yip!

I would explain what coach and senior means but it isn't worth it because you, my plentiful audience, wouldn't care. I wouldn't.

I want to see Twilight really badly. I should be able to see it on Sunday. I don't care what people think, I'm like the first movie a lot. Fuck people. Like what you like and fuck everyone and their opinions.

I cannot believe turkey day is next week. I am not excited about working Friday. From the sounds of it, it is going to be a nightmare. Oh well, I have to work the same amount of hours that day no matter who calls in.

I have started painting and drawing, lately. I got drunk and painted the coolest thing I have ever painted and I do not really know what it is. I put it in a frame and hung it on the wall. Other people might not like it but I do, for whatever reason. I also painted a big picture of this cartoon character I draw from time to time. I painted her with a red balloon and hung it in my bathroom. It has occurred to me just recently that I am strange.

I repeated my pizza the other night. Holy shit, it was more amazing this time than the last time. I've got my sauce down to an art. The secret is totally the fresh jalapenos as toppings. I made a pizza with the canned ones, instead, and it was nasty. I couldn't get fresh mushrooms and jalapenos because when I was at Wal-Mart they were waxing the floor and they had the produce section totally blocked off. That's what I get for my shitty night schedule. I literally go to that same Wal-Mart nearly every night after work. The sumbitches get all my money. haha

Alright, time for a shower. I'm going to wash this buzzed head of mine.

to Hell with Ben and his sheers

My hair-stlyest of more than a year moved to Hawaii and before she did she recommended this gay dude, Ben, to be my new hair-stylest. I went to him on Sunday and he gave me a bowl cut. Literally.

I could have gone back to him and risked further ruin but I decided to take a couple shots and get out the buzzer. I shaved my head. Well, most of it. I stood naked in the bathroom and just fuckin' did it. It looks a ton better. It took some major cajones to do that. Whew. Haha.

I'm watching Amelie while snuggled in bed. I don't want to go to work today. There's no stopping it, though.

I need to take Chloe, the new kitten, to the vet soon. I can't afford it but I can't just keep her in the spare bedroom forever. Poor kitty :(.

DESIRE MYSELF FOR AWHILE

i think i might ride
on my reddish colored bike.
or maybe i won't.

instead i might hide,
desire myself for awhile.

reasoning with insanity,
pleading with the soul,
blinding myself to what i once cared for.

i think i might know
how the world is my oyster.
but what to do with it

what to do with it,
now that it's mine?

two posts in one day

just popped some sort of muscle relaxer with my last glass of wine for the evening. it wasn't but 20 minutes before i started feeling like a buttercup must feel

wait, what is a buttercup. cup full of butter? oh gross. brings honeybuns to mind. nassie.

i just felt like saying something about how i would love nothing more than to sell my house and move to a big city. i'm tired of springfield. i am getting nothing out of this town and i have been here way too long. perhaps it is a good idea that i just start saving my time off and start traveling to other places. i need someone to go with me though, don't i? traveling alone just seems so pointless. i want to see pretty colorado and chicago. and i want to go to a concert i care about rather than these local shit bands i see from time to time.

i think i need to start planning to make some changes. i feel more and more like an individual, gradually pushing myself away from the people in my life. mainly, family. i feel myself gravitating toward wanting to cut ties with my family. it makes me sad and sometimes i wonder what is causing it. maybe i am scared. scared to lose my mom and so maybe i'm pushing away. or maybe i'm pushing away because i'm tired of all of the negativity. there is so much positive in this world and i am so programmed to respond to shitty vibes that too many of them tend to push me over the edge in my mind. i've spent my evening contemplating some things and i think it has been at least a bit productive. i feel myself on this ledge where i can easily lose what i treasure most, if i'm not careful: my ability to connect with others. i feel more and more cut-off and it is my doing. i think it's for the best because i feel safer and i feel that soon, i dunno how soon, i will be able to cut the ties as i need to and move from this place. i still have a ways to go and it will be difficult to sell this house and maybe even give away my dogs or something. but i think it will be what happens in the end. this place is more and more a waste of my time. i have never traveled and i feel sad for it. i am 25. i should have seen something of merit by now.

i feel trippy and i guess it is time to stop staring at this screen. my eyes feel like wet cotton candy

Wings and Wine and Pie with a SPOOON

Okay so I am totally buzzed off of some wonderful Pinot Noir. I decided to make wings tonight and OH. GOD. I almost fucked them they were so wonderful. I spent the entire time shooing Kara and Yoshi away from my wings while watching the movie "Push." I rented it from the Red Box. It had a song by The Kills in it. So. It instantly got a couple of tally marks. ...ha ha tally marks.

In other news, I really like the color red and I want to shave my head. But I won't. I have a big forehead. Least I think so.

Soon I will have a day shift and cannot bloody wait. My team literally could care less how it does and my supervisor is even less caring about our performance. I found out, like 4 days before the end of last month, that I was 13 out of like 600 in the call center. What the fuck? I wish I would have known about this sooner so I could have been trying harder. I could have gotten a $400 bonus if I would have tried. I will find out soon where I finished. Heh, oh well. My goal was top 20, anyway.

So my life has been sort of crazy, lately. I've gotten everything I have wanted for years and it turns out hardly any of it is what I want. It's strange how that works, isn't it.

My wings were amaazing. TWO A's.

I have this crush on this red head. Kinda nervous about this but excited, too. He looks like fucking Ron Weasley. ad;lksjf;ajfads and a;djf;asqeworupqewiru and pquerpoqiwerpqiuwre. I'm in the market for friends, so it's good no matter what.

YOSHI JUST JUMPED ON THE TV AND IS SWATTING AT DAKOTA FANNING. I will just go ahead and cross that off my to-do list.

Oh yes pizza, please.

I made pizza from scratch and oh is it good. My God, I love myself. I made my own sauce and used fresh ingredients. Oh joyous, joygasm, how I love thee. I made enough for the week so I take pieces to work for lunch and look forward to them.

I took the last half of Friday off and went to the haunted house in Branson with Chris and Amy. It was super fun and I nearly lost it in the tunnel that somewhat reminded me of what it might feel like to come out of a uterus. I held it together until that point. Gahhh! After that I went to a concert at the Outland with Josh. It was a really good concert. I spent most of the time dancing by a little woman dressed as a white bear. She was so cute. She danced as a bear would dance. Some drunk dude fell on my leg super hard and trapped it between his back and a bench. It hurt so bad. I have a giant bruise and it's still sore. Sumbitch.

Halloween was absolutely amazing. I dressed as a zombie, drank way too much wine, and ended the night cuddled on the couch with two people whom I love watching "28 Days Later" and "Silent Hill". All in all I would file the night away as a success. lol

I managed to get a speeding ticket on one of my days off this past weekend, though. That sucked extreme, hardcore ass. There goes 80 bucks of my money to absolutely nothing at all. Shit, piss, fuck.

In other news, I have a kitten in my bathroom. Yeah. I'm a sap. I was at my parents' and it was there all wee and cute. I just couldn't leave it. I was afraid it would go into my parents' yard with all the five weredogs and be eaten into pieces. So, I tamed it out and coaxed it into my car. I tried driving away twice before making the decision to take it. I just couldn't do it. It was sitting there in the driveway, white chest reflecting off my headlights. It mewed when I left. Dawww. So, kitten in bathroom. Sheesh.

Man, I love it when the heater comes on in my house. I love that smell and the sudden warm feeling. Pah, it's like living at my parents' house as a kid all over again.

Off to watch the latest episode of "Heroes" and get caught up on bills I can just barely afford.

Cheerio.

Enchanted

I'm watching, "Enchanted." I love that movie. <3 Disney forever.

I posted another song on my Myspace music page that no-one will listen to or care about. lol I really like this one and think it's my best one, yet. It makes me feel kind of sad when I listen to it. I prolly like it more than anyone would because it says a lot about how I feel. Ha, how emo does that sound? Oh, I don't care. It's about time I be myself. Writing a blog nobody reads and posting songs I love that nobody will listen to, talking to my cats in high-pitched voices, and thinking about romance. That's me. Take it or leave it.

This will be round two with paying all the bills on my own. So far, so good. I worked a butt-load of overtime last week. 3 days at 12 hours a day. It was ridiculous. I felt like a bowl of soggy Cheerios all week. I backed my car into my garage and scratched it up on the side. I also bent the sensor on the garage to where it wouldn't go down. I spent about twenty minutes bending it back and was late to work. That is the second time I have been late to work because my garage wouldn't close. Two times. Two different reasons. This one, I caused. But still, yeah they totally believe you if something like that happens twice. haha yeah right

I took an Excedrin migraine about ten minutes ago and I feel like I just got off of a roller coaster. T-Mobile decided it would be a great idea to roll out some huge changes this week and train absolutely no-one on them. It was an awesome day. I am not excited about day two. Thank God I have Saturday off and the last half of Friday, too. I have no idea what I'll do with my days but I know it will be better than the alternative.

I am so excited for November. I should be able to get a day schedule. I have to at least work past 7:30, though, to get my extra dollar an hour. Every extra dollar counts. Still, anything is better than stupid midnight. Blar.

I finally carved a pumpkin. Evan and I carved them the other night. It was fun. I'm happy with my pumpkin. He, yes he, makes me laugh. I wish I would have carved it sooner but I'm sure it'll still meet its untimely demise on my porch, freeze, and grow a plant like the one from last year did. I got so pissed about a month ago that I went outside in sock feet and chopped it up. I was going to see if it grew a pumpkin but I decided it needed to die. My yard still looks ridiculous. I think it's just not in the cards for me to get my lawn mowed. lol I have a lawnmower but I spent about three hours trying to figure out why the wheels wouldn't screw on. I watched, "Kate and Leopold," while I attempted to put it together. It was all in vain, though. I don't know what I planned to do once I got it together. I've never mowed a lawn with a push mower before and it's cold outside. It's tough owning a house by yourself but by God; I'll get it done. lol

I should go to bed soon. It's prolly a good idea to start going to bed before the sun comes up, yes?

Where the Wild Things Are

I finally saw the movie. I really liked it. It was kind of sad and happy at the same time. It could have been a little better, though.

I want to see Zombieland really, really bad. I might go see it tomorrow. I shouldn't be spending money on movies but I'm working 12 hour days so I should be fine. It's going to be a tough week. I really despise working night-shift. When I get off work there is literally nothing to do but go home. I should be able to get a day-shift by November. I absolutely cannot wait. I will so much happier.

I am really excited that it is October and that Halloween is just around the corner. I have Halloween off and I still have no idea what I plan to do. I really want to go to the corn maze and a haunted house this year but I doubt I'll make it to both...maybe not either one. I'm crossing my fingers. Andy and I are going to carve pumpkins tomorrow night. I'm excited. I love carving pumpkins.

I have a new found obsession with cooking. I've been saving money by cooking food I like and eating the leftovers throughout the week. I'm very proud of myself. I finally got part of my game plan squared away but I'm still working on a lot of it. Right now I'm just trying to figure out who I really am and what I want out of life. The hardest part is figuring out how to get what I want. I'm hoping to find my path quickly but I need to be patient or I'll drive myself crazy.

I'm currently watching 300. I had planned on watching my favorite horror movies and having a marathon of them but I ended up watching 300, instead. I should probably go to bed but I don't want to. I'll probably put another movie in when this one finishes. I might not wait for it to end. My attention span left the movie about 15 minutes ago.

I guess I'll let the dogs inside. They're acting like it's freezing outside. It's not nearly as cold as it was a couple nights ago.

Drunk and Turnovers and

I cooked steak and mashed potatoes and gravy. The steak was like shoe leather. That's what happens when you get meat from Wal-Mart. I need to get more steaks from my dad.

I love wine. I'm not a wino. But I do really love the feeling. I feel all tingly and happy. I'm going to be signing up for some major overtime at work this upcoming week. I need money and I want something to keep my mind busy. It's nearly winter and coming home single at a time when a person would normally have someone to curl up with really fucking blows. I'm glad the turd is gone but I miss being a part of a couple. I feel kind of old. I know I'm just 25, but still. Life is like short and stuff and it blows I wasted all that time. And, to top that off, I thought some really cool stuff was starting to happen but the realization that I'm probably half crazy came fast and hard today. I think I need a game-plan or something because I feel kind of like I'm in some sort of dream that I can't get out of. Sometimes I really can't believe where my life is right now. It's like the whole last year never happened.

In better news, I am cooking cherry turnovers. Thank God for cherry turnovers.

Sore Throat

My throat is sore. I've drank nothing but water and milk for a few days, now. I want a soda so bad.

My dogs are outside staring at me. They're soaking wet but I really don't want to deal with them tonight. They're disgusting and I just know that the minute I open the door I am going to be covered in muddy streaks. Ew. I think they get to stay outside and deal.

I would really like it to be the weekend. Work has been tough with this sore throat. Seeing as how I literally just talk all day long...

My fingers are super sore because I've been playing my guitar non-stop. I want to get better at it. What better time to practice than when it's raining, 4 in the morning, and I can't talk.

I don't have a whole lot going on. I'm excited because I might get to see Jessi on Sunday. I literally haven't seen her since she got married.

I watched a couple of movies. I rented "Sunshine Cleaning" and "He's Just Not That Into You" from the Redbox. I really liked the second one. The first one was just "okay." The second one really reminded me of myself and it made me laugh.

Okay so that's all I've got. It's kind of fun to write blogs that nobody reads, again. ha, I feel like I'm 18.

Kansas

This weekend I drove to Kansas City to go to the Nextel race with my dad. I took off work early so I could drive down and get there by 11 or so. I didn't get to leave when I had originally planned which set the night off to a late start. I called my dad and got the directions over the phone. In my flustered state, I thought he said to turn right on highway 7. What he had actually said was to turn left. So, as you can imagine, I went way out of my way. Long story short, I got super lost in Missouri/Kansas hillbilly towns and even the GPS on my phone had no idea where I was. I literally turned a 3 hour drive into a 6 hour drive. It was something else, I tell you what. But you know, I wouldn't trade that for anything. Looking back on it, I got a lot of thinking done. And God and I had a little discussion, truth be told. That conversation, as all of them with God are, is between us. But what I will say is that I might have been driving my car but he pointed which way I went. I think that when I was ready to head the right way, he pointed out the road.

Anyhoo. The season is changing outside but I can also feel myself changing. I took out my nose ring. I changed things around. My house doesn't look at all like it did a month ago. I've met new people. I've done things I've never done before. But really, the biggest thing is that my outlook is different. It's really strange but I don't miss how things were. I like how things are, now. And yes, yes I know. Just about anybody says that because they don't want other people to know they're hurting. What I feel is bittersweet. I think good things are coming my way and I'm super pumped. But I'm also patient. There's not a reason in this world why I need to rush along. God is bringing things to me as they should come. I want to be myself for the first time in a long time. It's hard because I, too, have spent a lot of my life being what others wanted me to be. I'm not doing that anymore and that's the battle I'm fighting.

Okay, enough of the deep stuff. My neck hurts. I never remember to put sunscreen on, even though I always burn. This sunburn is so a-symmetrical. It's all down only the right side of my neck and it covers my chest. My nose is red, too. Haha, I'm a "redneck." ...thanks, Nascar

I'm sitting here listening to "Hello Seattle" by Owl City and Yoshi and Kara (my cats) are chasing the moth that got in the house. They are currently sitting in the living room looking straight up at the ceiling. I love my cats. :) You know what's cool and sorta weird about my life now? I think I'm able to love clearer and stronger. I don't think that could be possible if I wasn't on the right path.

Alright, where's the aloe vera?

New Roads

I am taking the high road with my life and choosing the path that's right for me. I have learned a lot about who I am this year and I finally have my eyes open to what matters. A lot has happened this year and there is a lot for which I am ashamed. I am ashamed for a lot of the decisions I have made and for things that I have said and done. But, all in all, without any of that I wouldn't be where I am today.

My mindset has taken a turn because I finally realize my life has been in a rut this year. I was engaged to a guy I loved and had convinced myself loved me. I know I have things to work on and the end to this relationship has brought a lot of those things to light. But, at the heart of it all, I realize that, no matter what I did, he was never going to be the man I married. He was merely a chameleon, a shadow of whomever he was most fond of at the moment. When he was with me and when I was still mysterious and exciting for him, I held his attention. At that moment he would have done anything for me. He envied me and mimicked me; ate what I ate, drink what I drank. And then, toward the end, something or someone else held his attention. He became that thing and I instantly lost what adoration I might have once held.

I refuse to victimize myself anymore. I knew what he was and I allowed my love for him to blind myself to the truth. It is my fault I allowed him back into my life, my house, my heart, and accepted his proposal of engagement. He is all about whims. Whatever pops into his head at the moment, that is the route he takes. So why was I surprised when he told me he was going to take me to dinner and a movie and waited until I was in the shower to leave and text message me that it was over?

I mean really, by the way. This man I just had to have back in my life told me he was taking me to dinner and a movie and left me while I was in the shower. HELLO, KIMMY?!? I mean, the dude even took the lawnmower. He didn't even mow the lawn before he left. (And it's like seriously taller than my nephew.)

I will no longer be the romantic dope. I will be romantic, yes. But I'm not ignoring the warning signs, anymore. Even his own mother told me he was bad news! I am going to devote myself to making my heart communicate with my brain from now on. When he left me the first time, he had been pretending to go to work for no telling how long. He had been fired and didn't have the guts to tell me. Instead, he pretended to go to work. I had left him in charge of paying the mortgage. I gave him my half. He wrote the check. To my astonishment, when he left the mortgage company called me at work and said I was behind by two months. The jerk had taken my money, paid, and let it bounce for two months without telling me. Boy was that a fun time of my life!

But oh, I just HAD to have him back. I wanted him back so much that my brain finally just gave up on me and went out for dinner while my heart drove my car to find him and desperately beg him to come back into my life.

Idiot.

I am throwing my idiot glasses away. I threw them away for good just now. Yep. Gone. Look it. There they go!

As for my mental state, I have never seen clearer. I know exactly what I want. I want to find a man who melts when he sees me and knows the meaning of responsibility. I want a man who will be there no matter what. I want a man who wants a family with me. I want a man that goes to work. Each. And every. Day. I want a man who doesn't cry like a baby when he has to work. I want a man that tells you what time he is coming home and actually does it. I want a man that tells you he is going to get you dinner and movies and actually comes home.

(OMG I have been so stupid.)

I want a man who doesn't wear the same outfit to work three days in a row. I want a man who gets haircuts and doesn't text message to discuss the relationship. I want a man that doesn't lie. I want a man that will carve pumpkins with me and play with my nephew. I want a man that wants me.

Whew I feel better. It feels just so good to simply rip all this off for just anyone to see. Maybe he'll see it. I hope he does. I hope you do you stupid, stupid, loser of a man.

Alright, this is the last of the Brian bash. I am done talking about him. I am done thinking about him. Someone like that isn't worth another thought. I just wanted one last rant before I made the next step in moving on.

--

Whew, so now that's over. Let me just say how happy I am. I go to work with a renewed since of worth and I come home and cook dinner for myself and watch movies and drink wine and laugh and play with my cats and dogs. Life is good. God has given me many gifts in life and other people have things much, much worse than I could ever dream. I am lucky to have my house, my family, my animals, and this beating heart inside my body. There are so many good things in life.

It is turning fall and the air is so crisp. It makes my heart feel like skipping beats when I breathe it in. When I look up at the stars, when I see my nephew smile, when I hear my mom laugh ... these things make my heart sore. I know I'm a very special person and there is a very special person out there that will complete me and love me as I will love him.

It is time for a movie and some chocolate milk. :D Life is good.