New Roads

I am taking the high road with my life and choosing the path that's right for me. I have learned a lot about who I am this year and I finally have my eyes open to what matters. A lot has happened this year and there is a lot for which I am ashamed. I am ashamed for a lot of the decisions I have made and for things that I have said and done. But, all in all, without any of that I wouldn't be where I am today.

My mindset has taken a turn because I finally realize my life has been in a rut this year. I was engaged to a guy I loved and had convinced myself loved me. I know I have things to work on and the end to this relationship has brought a lot of those things to light. But, at the heart of it all, I realize that, no matter what I did, he was never going to be the man I married. He was merely a chameleon, a shadow of whomever he was most fond of at the moment. When he was with me and when I was still mysterious and exciting for him, I held his attention. At that moment he would have done anything for me. He envied me and mimicked me; ate what I ate, drink what I drank. And then, toward the end, something or someone else held his attention. He became that thing and I instantly lost what adoration I might have once held.

I refuse to victimize myself anymore. I knew what he was and I allowed my love for him to blind myself to the truth. It is my fault I allowed him back into my life, my house, my heart, and accepted his proposal of engagement. He is all about whims. Whatever pops into his head at the moment, that is the route he takes. So why was I surprised when he told me he was going to take me to dinner and a movie and waited until I was in the shower to leave and text message me that it was over?

I mean really, by the way. This man I just had to have back in my life told me he was taking me to dinner and a movie and left me while I was in the shower. HELLO, KIMMY?!? I mean, the dude even took the lawnmower. He didn't even mow the lawn before he left. (And it's like seriously taller than my nephew.)

I will no longer be the romantic dope. I will be romantic, yes. But I'm not ignoring the warning signs, anymore. Even his own mother told me he was bad news! I am going to devote myself to making my heart communicate with my brain from now on. When he left me the first time, he had been pretending to go to work for no telling how long. He had been fired and didn't have the guts to tell me. Instead, he pretended to go to work. I had left him in charge of paying the mortgage. I gave him my half. He wrote the check. To my astonishment, when he left the mortgage company called me at work and said I was behind by two months. The jerk had taken my money, paid, and let it bounce for two months without telling me. Boy was that a fun time of my life!

But oh, I just HAD to have him back. I wanted him back so much that my brain finally just gave up on me and went out for dinner while my heart drove my car to find him and desperately beg him to come back into my life.

Idiot.

I am throwing my idiot glasses away. I threw them away for good just now. Yep. Gone. Look it. There they go!

As for my mental state, I have never seen clearer. I know exactly what I want. I want to find a man who melts when he sees me and knows the meaning of responsibility. I want a man who will be there no matter what. I want a man who wants a family with me. I want a man that goes to work. Each. And every. Day. I want a man who doesn't cry like a baby when he has to work. I want a man that tells you what time he is coming home and actually does it. I want a man that tells you he is going to get you dinner and movies and actually comes home.

(OMG I have been so stupid.)

I want a man who doesn't wear the same outfit to work three days in a row. I want a man who gets haircuts and doesn't text message to discuss the relationship. I want a man that doesn't lie. I want a man that will carve pumpkins with me and play with my nephew. I want a man that wants me.

Whew I feel better. It feels just so good to simply rip all this off for just anyone to see. Maybe he'll see it. I hope he does. I hope you do you stupid, stupid, loser of a man.

Alright, this is the last of the Brian bash. I am done talking about him. I am done thinking about him. Someone like that isn't worth another thought. I just wanted one last rant before I made the next step in moving on.

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Whew, so now that's over. Let me just say how happy I am. I go to work with a renewed since of worth and I come home and cook dinner for myself and watch movies and drink wine and laugh and play with my cats and dogs. Life is good. God has given me many gifts in life and other people have things much, much worse than I could ever dream. I am lucky to have my house, my family, my animals, and this beating heart inside my body. There are so many good things in life.

It is turning fall and the air is so crisp. It makes my heart feel like skipping beats when I breathe it in. When I look up at the stars, when I see my nephew smile, when I hear my mom laugh ... these things make my heart sore. I know I'm a very special person and there is a very special person out there that will complete me and love me as I will love him.

It is time for a movie and some chocolate milk. :D Life is good.