Things and PS Pinot Noir

I love my new shift. I actually have time to have a social life. A lot of the time I choose not to participate but it sure is nice to have the ability to do something if I wanna. Smiles.

Chloe is getting on well with Kara and Yoshi. They all cuddle. It's ridiculously adorable. I couldn't have gotten a better addition to the household. I didn't exactly want/need another animal but I'm happy Chloe is here.

Yoshi got sick a couple weeks ago. It was super scary because the vet thought he might have Leukemia (which would mean a short life-span and that my other cats would have it, too). I spent fifteen minutes holding my limp cat in the waiting room, him cuddling in my arms. I was crying the whole time I waited. He and Kara are my best friends. Without them, I dunno where I would be right now. It sounds stupid; but I digress...

Boy was that an expensive vet bill. I don't know how I'm able to handle everything by myself, honestly. I think the universe is treating me very well and I am very lucky to have what I do.

Hrm. Positive stuff. Uhm. My dogs are absolutely huuuuge. They grew again. It was completely random and I'm not exactly sure when it happened but I just so happened to notice the other day. Lycan is a big ol' fucking thing and Leeloo got taller. Crazy. Leeloo is also turning the water on outside, again. I caught her doing it just a minute ago. Smart fucking dog. My utility bill is suffering and she is wasting water. But, at the same time, I'm kind of proud of her for being so resourceful. It's sometimes so fucking cold outside that I don't give them water like I should and she sorta solved my problem. lol

My hair is finally growing out. Yea! Yoshi scratched up my stomach super bad the other day, though. I was giving him his medicine and he got me with his back feet. It looks like I had my appendix taken out or something. There's this huge scratch right through the tattoo on my stomach. Ouchie.

I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" and I absolutely love love love it. It's beautiful.

I don't know what else to say so Ima go read some more of my book and drink a lil more wine until I pass out (which will prolly be very soon).

Insight

All of a sudden, you're everywhere. The universe keeps leaving little hints that you're missing from my world and that you were even in it. For so long, I started to forget you existed. And now, you're everywhere. I can't say that I miss you, really. But these reminders of you are trying to make me miss you. I'm afraid that it's starting to wear me down. I don't know how much longer I can hold it off. I wouldn't be able to go through it all, again. It took me a couple of months to scab over and I'm trying not to pick at it. The love I had for you was a love I won't share again for a long time. I've built this wall of protection in my desperate months of healing. You took part of me with you when you left the way you did. You stole that innocent part of me that had the capacity to be romantic and playful and soft. This time next year I imagine I will have gotten that part of me back; but these constant reminders are slowing down the healing process. If I'm being true to myself, if you realized your mistake and regretted leaving and somehow grew the courage to contact me with this regret, I think it would make an amazing relationship. I have come to learn what I need to do differently in any relationship I have. Things probably aren't that simple, though. So, I will continue moving on and ignoring these reminders until I get back to the place I was at, where you never existed. Right now, I'm vulnerable again for the first time in months. Maybe, the things I lost are coming back to me. I need to take a different road so I don't miss out on getting them back.

on 2009 and general whatnots

I'm ready for this week to be over. I start my new schedule next week and I could not be more excited. I hope I'm able to get there on time every day. Oh, and by the way. Why the fuck is Thanksgiving this week? How did that fucking happen? I'm still not sure. Oh well, what are ya gonna do.

I just now finally took down my Halloween decor. I took it down on Monday. I guess I'll put up the tree on Friday. Or, maybe I won't. I have three cats. One of them is a new kitten. That has got to be a recipe for disaster. Well, I gotta have a tree, though. I'll be ready for these holidays to pass and for it to be 2010. I really hated 2009. I have never hated a year more than I have hated this one. I'll be happy to start a new year and put this one behind me. More on this later.

In other news, I went to see "New Moon" on Monday night. I drank half a bottle of moscato and went to see it at 10 pm. It was amazing. I left the theater wanting to have sex with everyone I saw and wanting even more to be a werewolf to kill them afterward.

I've got the lights off and I'm listening to Massive Attack. It's all trippy and there is pinot involved. There is a slight chance I drink too much wine. But who fucking cares.

So my grandfather died this year. He was a really mean man but that doesn't mean that my dad/grandma aren't messed up about it. I'm sure losing a parent, even a horrid one, isn't easy. The funeral was quite odd. I haven't really talked to anyone about it as I feel sorta weird about the whole thing. It's the one funeral I've ever been to where I didn't cry or feel sad. The last time I saw him was like two years ago on Father's Day. I had brought my guitar to play it for he and my father. He told me to pawn it and a get a better one. ...

I went to the visitation to be there for my father. I'm the only one who is ever really there for my dad and/or really cares about him, despite him sometimes being shitty. It was my intent to avoid the casket but I, of course, ended up with a front-row-center seat right in front of his dead body for two hours. I stayed the whole time because my father did. Afterward, I took my mother and sister to eat at Ruby Tuesday.

I cannot afford to eat out but I am not in debt as they are, so guess who the lucky person was to get to pay? ... Yep. Me. Whatever. It's not like I needed that fourty bucks for anything. ...Mortgage, new kitten, dogfood, catfood, food for me, car payment, utilities, cable, gas, trash, litter, trash-bags, etc etc etc etc a;kljdf;akjdwqiur0oiuen. Anyway, I don't think my sister ever thanked me. My mom just ordered soup, she felt horrible she couldn't pay for it.

My mom has gotten herself into a totally horrible mess. She came to me at the hardest point in my life for help and it has been the absolute roller coaster ride from hell this year. Not just this but with everything. There is a reason I have become a wino. haha, ahhh god. Anyhoo, I have helped her as much as humanly possible, and then some. I loaned her four hundred something to get her out of her mess and worked twelve hour days for more days than I care to admit but by holy fuck I was able to pay my bills somehow and comfortably survive. (I miight have run my car into my garage but, by holy hell, I am here.) I fear there's more to come as I suspect my dad is working toward divorcing my mother. One bridge at a time, though. One bridge at a time. Cheers! gulp. gulp.

I drove up to Columbia last weekend to catch up with Daniel. There was a party at The Pink, as he calls it, and I met a few people. We passed around a couple and I drank a lot of cheaply named beer. I sat between a guy named Scott and Ryan, one fat and one not. Scott: skinny with a neat hat. They both wanted my number. Scott got it as Ryan was fat and no thanks. Fuck fucking fat fucking people. I ended up driving back home without sleeping, in a severe downpour, and came home for my horrid haircut by Ben (which I shaved one evening, as previously mentioned). This has been a severely retarded year, as I said before:

So far in 2009,
*bought a house
*got laid-off
*got engaged
*got disengaged
*acquired a full house payment and full responsibility thereof
*became addicted to wine
*learned how to ride a motorcycle
*bought an accordion
*bought a 55 gallon aquarium
*bought a queen bed and accessories
*got a cat
*my grandfather died
*shaved my head
Numbers:
*dates: 7
*people made out with: 4
*churches attended: 1
*concerts performed: 2
*jobs held: 1
*bike rides: 4
*hands held: 2
*major secrets told: 2
*major lies told: 3
*trips taken: 3
*new addictions: 5
*longest sleep: 18 hours
*new people met: 6
*fish killed: 3, 4? / 2 snails, and a handful of crabs
*people threatened: 5
*major realizations about myself: 3

I have decided already that I get to finish out this year with who I have always been and when it turns 2010 I leave that person behind forever. I have made a list of things I will be and of things I will not. Those will be implemented when it strikes 2010. Some are here:

*I will be traveling with every drop of my time off
*I will be working toward a promotion
*I will do what makes me happy, irregardless of what others think about those things
*(I have already done this and will continue to do so) I will cut all ties with anyone who is merely an acquaintance. I only need friends in my life. I don't need hangers-on.
*I will cook all of my meals
*I will make more Beatman videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/MarkBeatman
*I will get caught up on Harry Potter and The Inheritance Trilogy
*I will read. Period.
*I will cancel my subscription to Entertainment
*I will take a trip with a stranger
*I will go to a movie every Friday, if I can afford it
*(I have already done this and will continue to do so) I will eat all leftovers
*I will sign-up for classes for something new
*I will only hang out with people who ask me to do things with them
*I will get up early on my days off
*I will kiss more and think less
*I will get my eyes checked
*I won't be so nit-picky
*I won't get any more animals
*I won't get behind on any payments
*I won't let anyone move in with me
*I won't do anything I don't want to do
*I will stop thinking mid-twenties is old
*I will stop thinking about the past and only look forward
*I will start working out every day
*I will grow my hair out


I will add to this list as things pop up. I'm going to make a huge poster of them and frame it on my wall.

Goats

These Times They Are A'Changin'

I finally got a new schedule. I beat the hell out of everyone and got my top pick. So, new days off: Saturday and Sunday. I'm gonna be a normal person again! No more being a ghost in this world! It's going to be weird, coming back into reality again. Right now I'm literally this shadow that lurks around by itself. I don't even feel like I am seen at work. It's going to be weird, being in the light again. It's going to be like a culture shock for me and my sleep schedule has to totally reverse itself. I hope this all goes well and I am also hoping my new coach turns out alright. I have my old senior, so I'm super excited about that. :D Yip, yip, yip, yip!

I would explain what coach and senior means but it isn't worth it because you, my plentiful audience, wouldn't care. I wouldn't.

I want to see Twilight really badly. I should be able to see it on Sunday. I don't care what people think, I'm like the first movie a lot. Fuck people. Like what you like and fuck everyone and their opinions.

I cannot believe turkey day is next week. I am not excited about working Friday. From the sounds of it, it is going to be a nightmare. Oh well, I have to work the same amount of hours that day no matter who calls in.

I have started painting and drawing, lately. I got drunk and painted the coolest thing I have ever painted and I do not really know what it is. I put it in a frame and hung it on the wall. Other people might not like it but I do, for whatever reason. I also painted a big picture of this cartoon character I draw from time to time. I painted her with a red balloon and hung it in my bathroom. It has occurred to me just recently that I am strange.

I repeated my pizza the other night. Holy shit, it was more amazing this time than the last time. I've got my sauce down to an art. The secret is totally the fresh jalapenos as toppings. I made a pizza with the canned ones, instead, and it was nasty. I couldn't get fresh mushrooms and jalapenos because when I was at Wal-Mart they were waxing the floor and they had the produce section totally blocked off. That's what I get for my shitty night schedule. I literally go to that same Wal-Mart nearly every night after work. The sumbitches get all my money. haha

Alright, time for a shower. I'm going to wash this buzzed head of mine.

to Hell with Ben and his sheers

My hair-stlyest of more than a year moved to Hawaii and before she did she recommended this gay dude, Ben, to be my new hair-stylest. I went to him on Sunday and he gave me a bowl cut. Literally.

I could have gone back to him and risked further ruin but I decided to take a couple shots and get out the buzzer. I shaved my head. Well, most of it. I stood naked in the bathroom and just fuckin' did it. It looks a ton better. It took some major cajones to do that. Whew. Haha.

I'm watching Amelie while snuggled in bed. I don't want to go to work today. There's no stopping it, though.

I need to take Chloe, the new kitten, to the vet soon. I can't afford it but I can't just keep her in the spare bedroom forever. Poor kitty :(.

DESIRE MYSELF FOR AWHILE

i think i might ride
on my reddish colored bike.
or maybe i won't.

instead i might hide,
desire myself for awhile.

reasoning with insanity,
pleading with the soul,
blinding myself to what i once cared for.

i think i might know
how the world is my oyster.
but what to do with it

what to do with it,
now that it's mine?

two posts in one day

just popped some sort of muscle relaxer with my last glass of wine for the evening. it wasn't but 20 minutes before i started feeling like a buttercup must feel

wait, what is a buttercup. cup full of butter? oh gross. brings honeybuns to mind. nassie.

i just felt like saying something about how i would love nothing more than to sell my house and move to a big city. i'm tired of springfield. i am getting nothing out of this town and i have been here way too long. perhaps it is a good idea that i just start saving my time off and start traveling to other places. i need someone to go with me though, don't i? traveling alone just seems so pointless. i want to see pretty colorado and chicago. and i want to go to a concert i care about rather than these local shit bands i see from time to time.

i think i need to start planning to make some changes. i feel more and more like an individual, gradually pushing myself away from the people in my life. mainly, family. i feel myself gravitating toward wanting to cut ties with my family. it makes me sad and sometimes i wonder what is causing it. maybe i am scared. scared to lose my mom and so maybe i'm pushing away. or maybe i'm pushing away because i'm tired of all of the negativity. there is so much positive in this world and i am so programmed to respond to shitty vibes that too many of them tend to push me over the edge in my mind. i've spent my evening contemplating some things and i think it has been at least a bit productive. i feel myself on this ledge where i can easily lose what i treasure most, if i'm not careful: my ability to connect with others. i feel more and more cut-off and it is my doing. i think it's for the best because i feel safer and i feel that soon, i dunno how soon, i will be able to cut the ties as i need to and move from this place. i still have a ways to go and it will be difficult to sell this house and maybe even give away my dogs or something. but i think it will be what happens in the end. this place is more and more a waste of my time. i have never traveled and i feel sad for it. i am 25. i should have seen something of merit by now.

i feel trippy and i guess it is time to stop staring at this screen. my eyes feel like wet cotton candy

Wings and Wine and Pie with a SPOOON

Okay so I am totally buzzed off of some wonderful Pinot Noir. I decided to make wings tonight and OH. GOD. I almost fucked them they were so wonderful. I spent the entire time shooing Kara and Yoshi away from my wings while watching the movie "Push." I rented it from the Red Box. It had a song by The Kills in it. So. It instantly got a couple of tally marks. ...ha ha tally marks.

In other news, I really like the color red and I want to shave my head. But I won't. I have a big forehead. Least I think so.

Soon I will have a day shift and cannot bloody wait. My team literally could care less how it does and my supervisor is even less caring about our performance. I found out, like 4 days before the end of last month, that I was 13 out of like 600 in the call center. What the fuck? I wish I would have known about this sooner so I could have been trying harder. I could have gotten a $400 bonus if I would have tried. I will find out soon where I finished. Heh, oh well. My goal was top 20, anyway.

So my life has been sort of crazy, lately. I've gotten everything I have wanted for years and it turns out hardly any of it is what I want. It's strange how that works, isn't it.

My wings were amaazing. TWO A's.

I have this crush on this red head. Kinda nervous about this but excited, too. He looks like fucking Ron Weasley. ad;lksjf;ajfads and a;djf;asqeworupqewiru and pquerpoqiwerpqiuwre. I'm in the market for friends, so it's good no matter what.

YOSHI JUST JUMPED ON THE TV AND IS SWATTING AT DAKOTA FANNING. I will just go ahead and cross that off my to-do list.